Money won't save your marriage

Marriages fray because of the relationship, not a lack of money, Hamm writes.

|
Chuck Kirman/Ventura County Star/AP/File
Veronica Barber shows her ring to family members after she married Bart Maciejewski in Ventura, Calif., in this November 2011 file photo. Financial woes can often trigger relationship strife, but earning more money won't fix your problems, Hamm writes.

Money is often a major conflict in marital situations. Lots of little unexpected events and some bad spending choices can quickly add up to a pretty poor financial picture and that can poison a marriage.

Many people respond to this situation by thinking that they can fix everything by earning some more money. They add overtime at work. They take a second job. They start filling their hours with odd jobs.

The hope is that this will fix up the financial issues – and that will, in turn, fix up the marital issues.

The problem is that it rarely works.

Marriages fray because of one reason: the fraying of the relationship between the two people.

Money issues do not cause that fraying. They can certainly irritate it and cause the rift to grow worse, but they’re not the root cause.

The root cause is a lack of communication and time together, paired with misplaced trust and misunderstood expectations. You don’t cure that by throwing money at the problem.

You cure it by talking through your problems. Talk about your goals. Talk about the situation you’re in and how you can dig out of it together.

You cure it by spending more time together. Go on walks. Spend evenings together. If that means backing down from some commitments, so be it.

You cure it by asking yourself what you can do to make sure that the problem doesn’t happen again, and that doesn’t mean leaning on your partner to make a change. What can you do?

You cure it by listening to what your partner is actually saying instead of just waiting for your turn to talk.

More money alone won’t solve a marital problem. Fix the marriage first, then focus together on solving the money issues.

This post is part of a yearlong series called “365 Ways to Live Cheap (Revisited),” in which I’m revisiting the entries from my book “365 Ways to Live Cheap,” which is available at Amazon and at bookstores everywhere. 

You've read  of  free articles. Subscribe to continue.
Real news can be honest, hopeful, credible, constructive.
What is the Monitor difference? Tackling the tough headlines – with humanity. Listening to sources – with respect. Seeing the story that others are missing by reporting what so often gets overlooked: the values that connect us. That’s Monitor reporting – news that changes how you see the world.

Dear Reader,

About a year ago, I happened upon this statement about the Monitor in the Harvard Business Review – under the charming heading of “do things that don’t interest you”:

“Many things that end up” being meaningful, writes social scientist Joseph Grenny, “have come from conference workshops, articles, or online videos that began as a chore and ended with an insight. My work in Kenya, for example, was heavily influenced by a Christian Science Monitor article I had forced myself to read 10 years earlier. Sometimes, we call things ‘boring’ simply because they lie outside the box we are currently in.”

If you were to come up with a punchline to a joke about the Monitor, that would probably be it. We’re seen as being global, fair, insightful, and perhaps a bit too earnest. We’re the bran muffin of journalism.

But you know what? We change lives. And I’m going to argue that we change lives precisely because we force open that too-small box that most human beings think they live in.

The Monitor is a peculiar little publication that’s hard for the world to figure out. We’re run by a church, but we’re not only for church members and we’re not about converting people. We’re known as being fair even as the world becomes as polarized as at any time since the newspaper’s founding in 1908.

We have a mission beyond circulation, we want to bridge divides. We’re about kicking down the door of thought everywhere and saying, “You are bigger and more capable than you realize. And we can prove it.”

If you’re looking for bran muffin journalism, you can subscribe to the Monitor for $15. You’ll get the Monitor Weekly magazine, the Monitor Daily email, and unlimited access to CSMonitor.com.

QR Code to Money won't save your marriage
Read this article in
https://www.csmonitor.com/Business/The-Simple-Dollar/2012/1009/Money-won-t-save-your-marriage
QR Code to Subscription page
Start your subscription today
https://www.csmonitor.com/subscribe