Where boys learn to be men

The task of raising kind, upright, thoughtful, and courageous boys can be difficult these days. In the United States, boys are bombarded with cultural messages that tell them to look and act a certain way, to be tough, and to ignore or disavow their emotions.

Having positive male role models, whether they be a father, coach, or teacher, can counteract the stereotypes and help boys access and acknowledge a broader range of feelings.

Editing this week's cover story by Courtney E. Martin brought to mind my own son, Ben, who's now in his late 20s. 

My late husband and I tried to give Ben experiences growing up that encouraged him to find his own authentic version of masculinity. For several summers, Ben attended an all-boys camp where the staff nurtured as well as challenged him.

But it turned out the optimal role model was closer to home – his dad.

Last year, in a speech at the memorial service for his father, Ben made an especially telling observation, which he gave me permission to share here. 

"I only built up the ability to see deeper because I watched and studied my dad," Ben wrote. "Surrounded by the stereotypes and expectations of masculinity and what it meant to be a man, I had to square those ideas with what my father was actually doing. He helped me navigate the difficult world of male adolescence not through speeches and proclamations, but by being this interesting and wildly curious being who shared his world with me."

That world included vulnerability and strength. Tears and high-fives. 

Boys grow into men who become engaged and conscientious fathers by watching those around them. At the YMCA I belong to, I regularly see dads guiding, supporting, and teaching their children, and not just on the basketball court or in the swimming pool. It's the everyday acts of paying attention, like holding a toddler's hand in the parking lot or making sure kids get to lessons on time, that demonstrate protectiveness and care.

Raising boys to reach their potential requires not only parents, but also entire communities, coming together and showing alternatives to society's limited views of manhood.