Duck Dynasty: Grinch-proof your family holiday

Everything you need to know about family you can learn from Duck Dynasty, including how to laugh in the face of holiday madness.

Over the past year I have gone from TV snob where Duck Dynasty is concerned to seriously thinking that duck calls would make great stocking stuffers.

Also on my Christmas list is the new Robertsons' album with my new favorite song “Duck the Halls," duck calls quacking the fa-la-la-la-la refrains.

Having that song on your iPod can make any holiday gathering Grinch-proof.

Last year, friends on Facebook who loved the show pleaded with me to watch just one episode. So I found it on my Kindle and shortly thereafter was online apologizing to everyone, ready to wear camo in repentance for pre-judging the Robertsons.

Dad; Phil; Mama Kay; Sons Willie, Jase, Jules Jeptha (“Jep”); and batty Uncle Si are the core characters who get us to rethink how much value we place in things like social grace and Martha Stewart-like family gatherings by revealing what family unity really looks like.

The line that got me hooked came from Willie Robertson who said, “Parenting is a constant struggle between making your kid's life better and ruining your own.”

“There’s a fine line between insanity and coping with your daughter dating,” said Jep in another episode.

Patriarch Phil gave all young men the sage relationship warning, “Whether you’re talkin’ about bees, dogs, or women, pain can come up on you suddenly.”

Miss Kay, however, hits the bulls-eye saying, "Our marriage is living proof that love and family can get you through everything."

The show is not just funny; it’s perhaps the only show I have seen in the past few years that can reliably be watched with young children.

The family is deeply spiritual, patriotic, and forgiving of each member’s zany ways. They are satisfied with who they are and live in the moment.

Since I was a non-believer in this show, I want to make sure I am off the Naughty list this year by giving the gift of how to do the holiday Duck Dynasty style, with dos and don’ts drawn from the series.

During the holiday feast preparation, never let the crazy uncle do the cooking.

"I am the MacGyver of cooking. If you bring me a piece of bread, cabbage, coconut, mustard greens, pigs feet, pine cones, ... and a woodpecker, I'll make you a good chicken pot pie," Uncle Si once explained.

If Jep is helping out, you have to be fast to avert impending doom. His philosophy is, “When you don’t know what you’re doing, it’s best to do it quickly.”

Never say, "Hey, what's in the stuffing?" to a woman who says, “Eatin' squirrel brains is where ya get your smarts.”

At Christmas, Miss Kay makes “Pirducken” – the Matrioshka doll of redneck cuisine – a pig stuffed with a turkey, stuffed with a chicken, stuffed with a duck.

Forget the diet at a holiday dinner. Miss Kay advises us to live, love, laugh, and eat something for goodness sake.

“Skinny girls! All they’re worried about is if they gain an ounce. You need a sausage, honey!” she advises.

For decorating, pick either Mountain Man or Miss Kay, but never both.

Mountain Man did a lovely job with the arch for Phil and Kay’s vow renewal ceremony in the woods, with massive boughs he’d collected.

Miss Kay covers every square inch of wall, floor, and mantle space with everything from decoys to angels.

Team these two up and Santa will need a shoehorn to make it from chimney to tree.

Most important is that Christmas is time to drop the camouflage and light ‘er up so Santa can see the house, car, and yard from space.

Now you know how to make your holiday dog hunt. Better get quackin’ before Walmart is all outta pigs feet and twinkle lights.