Gratitude’s tangible gift, to givers and receivers alike
Reporting a story about the power of gratitude became a very personal exercise for our writer. He joined our weekly podcast to talk about what the experience taught him.
Researchers have drawn a link between gratitude and well-being.
In writing a recent story for the Monitor, staff writer Harry Bruinius found that he was able to confirm that connection. His assignment meant soliciting examples of written expressions of thanks and speaking to the people who had sent or received them.
“I talked to people that had letters of gratitude from first responders, [from] soldiers in Afghanistan,” he tells the Monitor’s Samantha Laine Perfas. “And in particular, there was a story of a man ... [who] responded with a letter that he had written to his birth mother. ... He wrote her this extraordinary letter that kind of left me without words. He just wanted to thank her and say what a great life he had.”
Some came on occasions to be celebrated. Some around times of loss, and of vulnerability. But the same thread ran through them all.
“Expressing gratitude is sort of recognizing that you can’t do it on your own,” Harry tells Sam. “That you’re part of a world in which human connections are so essential. ... Expressing gratitude for what people are doing not only has an effect on their lives,” he says, “it has a profound effect on our own lives as well.”
Episode transcript
Samantha Laine Perfas: Every year, attention turns to gratitude during the holiday season. But one question I have is, what prevents us from expressing it more often?
Welcome to “Why We Wrote This,” I’m Samantha Laine Perfas. In today’s episode, I’m joined by Harry Bruinius. He is the Monitor’s New York staff writer and editor. For a recent story he reported, he asked people to send in letters of gratitude they had sent or received that were particularly meaningful. He then explored what made these letters so special and the role of giving thanks in our lives. Here’s our conversation.
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Harry, for the story that you wrote on gratitude, you received a bunch of letters. Were there any in particular that stood out to you?
Harry Bruinius: One of the first letters that I received was from Nancy Bourcier in Surprise, Arizona. And she just wanted to share a thank you letter that she had gotten from her new granddaughter-in-law. And she was very excited about, you know, about submitting this letter. But she also kind of casually mentioned that she’s been reading the Monitor for 75 years and that her mother used to read stories from the Monitor to her when she was young. And later on, she also kind of casually said that she had mentioned to her, her son in-law, that I was writing this story on gratitude. And he was surprised because he recognized my byline and said, “Oh, he always writes serious stories.” So my interactions with Nancy became really personal. And so I felt the meaning of the work that I do in a deeper way. And it made me decide to write the story in the first person and share my experiences, along with the letters of gratitude that readers were sharing with me.
Laine Perfas: Did you encounter anything that helps us understand why we don’t express gratitude more often?
Bruinius: I talk to scholars [who] actually study gratitude as a human phenomenon. And one of the scholars I talked to, Amit Kumar at the University of Texas at Austin, asked this question in the midst of research into gratitude that’s been going on for at least 20 years. And, you know, there’s sort of demonstrable effects of expressing gratitude on the body. It kind of activates the parts of our nervous system that bring us down from stress. But Dr. Kumar was asking this question: Why, if gratitude is so good for our bodies and our well-being, why don’t people [share] it more often? He found that people who write letters of gratitude almost feel that they’re going to make the recipient feel embarrassed, or they might come off as being too mushy. But then in this experiment, they also measured what the recipient said. And overwhelmingly there was this disjunction between what people expressing gratitude expected their recipients to feel and what the recipients actually felt. And I almost began to feel there’s a connection between gratitude and being vulnerable. Expressing gratitude is sort of recognizing that you can’t do it on your own. That you’re part of a world in which human connections are so essential.
Laine Perfas: In your story, you also explore this link between gratitude and loss. Could you talk about that a little bit?
Bruinius: In this week’s issue, we open the story about a loss that we had at the Monitor. The new cover story editor, Dave Scott, who was to edit this story … the day that it was due he passed away. And that being a part of the experience of writing the story then highlighted there is a lot of gratitude in the midst of loss. It’s paradoxical, I think, that in the midst of our, again, our most vulnerable moments, that we are able to feel human connection in a deeper and more profound way. Moments of loss forced that vulnerability upon us. And we’re faced with a choice to respond in a way that can bring those human connections to bear in our lives in deep ways. And part of the story was sharing those experiences.
Laine Perfas: Having this story become so personal for you, I’m curious in what ways it affected the way you see gratitude in your own life.
Bruinius: I talked to people [who] had letters of gratitude from first responders. Soldiers in Afghanistan. And in particular, there was a story of a man that I’ve worked with in the past, he responded with a letter that he had written to his birth mother; he had been adopted. And after his adopted parents had passed away, he decided to find his birth mother and he did. And he wrote her this extraordinary letter that kind of left me without words. He just wanted to thank her and say what a great life he had. The generosity of them sharing that letter and the reactions with me, gave me a sense of gratitude, of not only their generosity, but [also] of the privilege to do the work that I do for the Monitor.
Laine Perfas: What do you want your readers, or even our listeners, to walk away with from your story?
Bruinius: I hope our readers can come away with a deeper sense of what gratitude does, not only in the midst of loss and difficulty, but even in our everyday lives. Expressing gratitude for what people are doing not only has an effect on their lives, it has a profound effect on our own lives as well. What other people are doing is important to us, and acknowledging those connections improves our well-being.
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Laine Perfas: Thanks for listening. To find a transcript and our show notes, which include links to Harry’s stories, visit csmonitor.com/whywewrotethis. This episode was hosted and produced by me, Samantha Laine Perfas, and edited by Clay Collins. Our sound engineers were Tim Malone and Alyssa Britton, with original music by Noel Flatt. Produced by the Christian Science Monitor. Copyright 2022.
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