If you are in charge of handing out treats this year, cast an eye over Toddler's standards. "Distributors, under no circumstances should you EVER pass out dried fruit on Halloween," Toddler wrote. "This day was created to celebrate high fructose, not the natural sweetness of dates. Keep the raisins to yourself. This isn't a day for groceries... If you've even thought about handing out toothbrushes or pennies, please turn off your porch light and go to bed. You can't be trusted with the simplest of tasks."
